BREAKING NEWS:
New Fragments of Ancient Scripture Found; Authentic Says Hierarchy, Requires Faith
Rome – October 4, 2012 – The Feast of St. Francis - Officials within the Vatican have confirmed the recent discovery of fragments of early scripture hidden deep in the archives of the Vatican Library that reportedly support Church teaching on a variety of current moral issues and social teachings.
In a statement issued today, The Vatican Under Secretary for Social Control confirmed the discovery saying, “This is an important finding, one in which the teaching of The Church, and of our brother Christian Churches throughout the world, is confirmed.” The Vatican would not confirm how the scripture fragments were discovered or where they were authenticated and translated.
Hailed by conservative thought leaders and political action groups throughout the United States, this discovery “only continues to provide the scriptural underpinnings of ‘right behavior’ that have been preached since early times, and confirms the need for continued vigilance against the forces of darkness that seek to bring down America”, according to one source.
In announcing this discovery, The Vatican provided the following narrative of the ancient fragments as translated and interpreted by scholars.
“The disciples, seeing that He was tired, began to send the children away. When Jesus noticed this, he was angry and said to his disciples, “Let the children come to me, and do not stop them, because the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these…..except the gay kids. They are intrinsically disordered. Send them into the wilderness where they will succumb to temptation”.
Commentary provided by Church officials states that “the sinner is always welcome, as we can see, into the life of wholeness in the Kingdom, a life where he is free to express and use all the talents of God, but only when that life is lived chastely, or to create new life.”
Additional newly discovered fragments purportedly provide new insights detailing Jesus’ explicit relationship-based thinking for the first time.
“When the Disciples arrived for the Passover Supper, Jesus greeted them at the door. ‘Peace be Upon You’, he said. ‘Truly I say to you, before you enter this house, exam your conscience, and ask yourself if you agree with my position on same sex relationships. If you do not, depart from me, for you are not welcome to dip your hand into the same bowl’.”
A statement released by an anonymous spokesman for the office of the Most Rev. John J. Meyers, Archbishop of Newark, NJ, stated that “the Archbishop, and other Church Hierarchy throughout America, absorbed a great deal of undue criticism for his recently released pastoral letter on marriage equality. Some of the Faithful were concerned that their brothers and sisters were excluded from sharing at the Lord’s Table because of their lack of credence in Church teaching on marriage equality and contraception. This now proves, without a doubt, the validity of Church instruction. There is little left to say. Only compliance is required.”
In the final early fragment translation, Cardinal Archbishops throughout the United States hailed the discovery as a “gift of the Spirit”, saying that Christians of all denominations were obliged by faith to respond through appropriate ballot action in the upcoming November Presidential elections. They, however, failed to give a firm directive to the Faithful.
“And Jesus said to them, ‘Go out to all those whose treasuries are full with the coins of Caesar and seek reward from them. For God and Caesar must work together to allow you to worship, and keep the unclean spirits of those that seek contraception away from the houses of healing’.”
An unnamed spokesman for the Most Rev. John C. Nienstedt, Archbishop of St. Paul and Minneapolis, MN, confirmed that the newly discovered scriptural fragments provide a theological basis for the recent fundraising campaign directed toward Diocesan Catholics for the purpose of approving the State Constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriage. The work of the state, when properly governed, and the Church are not incompatible, as confirmed by scripture, the spokesman added.
Evidence is still being sought as to how long the scripture fragments have been in the possession of the Vatican. Scholars having access state that it must have been after Vatican II given the radical change of thinking in the Church. Other, non-Church connected scholars state that the authenticity of these new words of Jesus is greatly questioned and is certainly not the basis of faith.
Despite efforts by Church officials to inhibit investigation into this revised scripture based thinking, further dialogue is continuing.
For further information, please…Oh forget it, there’s nothing left to say!
Authors note: This is a satirical piece. No offense is meant towards any particular religious denomination or belief, or persons of faith, of which the author is one.
©2012 R.T. Saunders
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An edited version of this piece was published on The Daily Kos, October 11, 2012
